Did I miss it?

My dad said something to me a while back and it kinda stuck with me in relation to the rat race that is my life in the city.

"How long will you be chasing trains?"

I often think to myself, 'did I miss the train?' did I miss my calling in life? Did I miss my beloved? Did I miss the opportunity to work in the perfect job? Then I recall something that one of the wives of an elder at my church told me. "God only gives you what's good for you in this moment in time"

So I hold on to that hope and anchor my soul in the fact/promise that if it was good for me I would have it right now!

I didn't miss my calling, this is my calling right now.

I didn't miss my beloved, Jesus is my only beloved at the moment.

I didn't miss my the opportunity to work on my perfect job, the job in have right now is perfect for me in this moment.

God and I are in the perfect place for a time such as this.

Would i change  my circumstances? I certainly would tweak a few things here and there but then again I don't know the wholelive ry yet so I am living in the moment here.

I have moments of elation when the boy that I think I love smiles at me or better speaks to me! Or when my VP randomly messages me and says "good job!"  While I personally would dial those moments up and tune down the moments of loneliness or months where i feel like in any get my head up above water at work, I will live in this moment now.

Love God and the rest will follow...

What am I doing here?

Some days I wake up and think to myself "let's just go off the grid today." Then I remind myself that I am an adult with responsibilities. Also, there would be consequences to my action. So I convince myself that I will work on getting one thing done today and I will do it well.

There's a Chicago song that comes to mind,
Everybody needs a little time away
I heard her say
From each other

Even lovers need a holiday
Far away

It's good for the soul sometimes to just walk away for a bit. The confirmation that you are exactly where you should be comes from the fact that you are excited to be back. Some of us struggle with where We are now, others with where they feel led to be, still others with the fact that they don't know where they should be in this moment in time.

The quest for me is the stressful and fun part all at the same time. I have a God to rely on for the foundation when I think no am drowning. So when I feel like running away, I remind myself one thing...

LOVE GOD AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW...

I. Am. Not. God.

Young man, the secret of my success is that at early age I discovered that I was not God." - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 

I was prepping for a Bible Study last night and this was a quote that was laid out in the book that we are covering. Right before I got to this page, the song "heart of worship" was playing.

"I am coming back
To the Heart of Worship
Because it's all about you,
It's all about you Jesus."

And I woke this morning with that on loop in my brain. Somewhere along the way, I turned this life into a ritual. I made it about me and my survival skills. I figured out a way to exist but not to live. I made it about me in the temporal and essentially change my point of view.

As a believer in the words of Jesus Christ, this world is my temporary abode while I fulfill a desire of God's heart. When I am done here, I get eternity with Him in heaven. To a someone who hasn't believed, this sounds like insanity.

I grew up in the church and I thought this was insanity too. Until one day, your eyes are opened to the miracles God does and the way He guides us through obstacles. God isn't sitting idly by hoping that you make it. He is helping you and one day you will see it.

If you know me, I live by music and lyrics. Recently, I heard a song by Francesca Battistelli called 'where were you' and it summed up a lot of what I was feeling in that moment. I had decided that I could survive on my own and then when it failed, I was sad and hurt that God had left me all alone. Truth is, He never left.

"One set of footprints, on the path I'd been on
But you say you've been here all along, oh
If you really loved me, like nobody else
Why was I walking through hell

How could you miss me?
With my hands in the air
I thought you were listening
Oh, I thought you'd be there!

Where were you?
When I had no one to turn to
Where were you?
When my worst fears were coming true
Where were you?
I thought you'd come to my rescue

When my prayers bounced off the ceiling
I was facing down my demons
When my legs gave up beneath me
And I fell into your arms

Where were you?
When I had no one to turn to
You carried me through
On your shoulders, black and blue
I never knew
The footprints in the sand were you
Were you

One set of footprints, on a path I'd been on
Now I know they were yours all along"

Love God and the rest will follow.

Letters to...

I have been thinking a lot about legacy lately. To clarify, I am not thinking about death just about legacy in general.

Legacy is like a letter that you leave for the folks around you when you are no longer physically present in a place...

Dwayne Wade left the Miami Heat basketball team after 13 yrs because he wanted to finish his career up at home in chi-town.  He was always a Chicago boy but he had made himself an essential part of Miami and Dade(wade) county during his time with this team. He started and participated in programs for children, the community and the fans. He was a role model to any Miami child in several ways, he left letters for these kids in his own way. Yet when it was time to go home, he left. Nothing would hold him back. At the end of it all, his heart was still in Chicago.

It should be the same with the believers in this world.

While God has deemed it right for each of us to be on this earth for a little while, there will come a time when all of us have to go home. What will your legacy look like when you leave? Have you given all your good to the world? Have you made it a better place? Are you a role model? Have you comforted the weak? Fed the hungry? Taken care of the widows and orphans? Most importantly, have you spoken about your God? Do people know where your heart is?

It's very important to note that no matter how long Wade was in Miami, he never became a Florida boy. He lived there, worked there and was part of life there.  He was always from Chicago.

God asks the same of us, he says that we should be "in the world not of the world."

If you are wondering, well what about the folks who don't believe? 

Here's the beauty of God, we all came from him, all our souls initially belonged to him so whether you believe in him now or not is something that can change by decisions and choices that we make. I was raised to know of God, but there was a time in my life where I chose to not be part of his family.  I wanted to believe in something I could quantify and explain.

How personal is my God? He gave me something that I could use to quantify and explain him.  It was his way of talking to just me. 

Ask God today to prove himself to you. He will!

Want to leave a legacy? What will your letter to the world say?

Love God and the rest will follow...

Winter is coming to an end... Or at least that's is what we keep telling ourselves.

I don't mean presently seasonally, I mean in the seasons of your lives.  Some of you are at a point in your lives where it feels as though you have been enduring the winter season for a few years.  Folks keep encouraging you in their own way. 

They say, "It will end soon" or "it will be sunshine and roses when it ends" and of course there's the standard, "you will look fondly on this time of our life." 

Do you just want to cry out, "how do you know it will end??" or you just want to cry... I would like to say, "I know what you are going through" but let's be honest NO ONE really knows what any other person is going through. Every event can have a common thread but the reality is very different.  Your childhood may cause you to react to an event in a completely different manner than even perhaps your sibling would react.

As much as I want to help, ONLY GOD CAN HELP.  I can pray for you, I can spend time with you, I can cook and clean for you but in the end, you have to call out to God. He created you, He knows you, He has been there with you through the good and the bad. You have to choose to let him into your heart and world. He can help you, heal you and restore you because He loves you.

Love God and the rest will follow.

P.S.

If you need to know how to reach out to God, lemme know and I can walk with you through that journey.

a woman of character...

So did you do it?  Did you sit in silence?  I did albeit for only an hour or so and then pandora went on which eventually led to Netflix.

The good part though? I gave the Lord an hr and He gave me so much peace and such good insight in that time!

Today would have been my grandmother's 95th birthday, I am reminded today more than ever about how she carried herself in the society after her husband's demise.  She raised her children alone and was very careful to ensure that her good name was not tarnished.  She was very regimented, she had her routines and seldom did she get distracted away from her schedule.

She was a passionate woman who held on to rules and regulations, and as such, growing up with her was hard sometimes.  She was very strict and logical, she had fun but it was guarded. As a child I did not understand her, I always felt like I was about to get in trouble with her.  and I did, a LOT!  As an adult, I miss her and I understand her ways a little bit more now.

She enjoyed her quiet life, her books, her Bible and her time with her Lord.  She was very strict about how her family should behave and how she wanted the world to perceive us.  She never sugar coated anything and she wasn't fake. She didn't have many friends and the ones she had respected her.  She didn't trust many people but somehow everyone trusted her.  There is a lot to be said about that especially in today's world with facebook,instagram,snapchat and all the other social media.

I have learned that you need to spend your time wisely, you can't always be spending your energy on other people and not expect to be drained.  I have learned that not everyone needs to know every breath you take, hold your cards close.  I have learned that if people really care they will invest in your life. I have learned that ONLY God deserves your undivided love.  I have learned that God will love you even if you dont give him your undivided love.

She was a woman of her rules and regulations and while I think that I need to love a bit more loudly than she did, I am beginning to the wisdom in a lot of her ways.  I miss her a lot and I talk to her often. In her honor today, I choose to respect myself and my time a bit more than I do.  I know God has been working on breaking my addiction to Netflix.  I know my grandma is helping too.

I want to help others more than i do now.  I want to pray for others more than i do now and most of all I want learn from God's Word more than i do now.

Love God and the rest will follow...

I woke up today in a mood.  I am not quite sure how to explain it.  I have 31 emails in my work email inbox that need my attention.  I have 42 projects that are clamoring to be tended to as well.  However, I just want to put some music on and just close my eyes.  I want to tune out the world for a day and just sit in silence.  

I find it very hard these days to just sit still or in silence.  I am constantly distracted or looking for things to distract me.  How often do you get to sit in silence these days?  even if you had the chance, do you let yourself do it?   We live in a world of constant stimulation. our phones, iPods, televisions, Netflix, games, and of course pokemon go!

When was the last time you spent even 15 mins in silence?  Can you?

Do you know that your mind and spirit need to be rejuvenated?

Are you aware of your own spiritual needs? Are you in tune with Our Creator?

I dare you to take 15 mins today and close your eyes and try to get in tune with your soul.  Turn off the phones, computers and Netflix.  Can you do it?  Can you allow your soul to call out to its Creator?  

My soul is yearning for its Creator, I can feel it!!

I am challenging myself today to turn off the Netflix and sit in silence so I can allow my soul to commune with my Jesus.

I have been convicted in my spirit for my lack of prayer for the persecuted Christians/church and so today, I shall sit with my Jesus.  I hope you find some time in your day to do the same.

Love God and the rest will follow.

From 4/6/16:

2 become 1...

Know that song?  We talked about it at lunch after church the other day.  We all laughed and reminisced about the Spice Girls.  we discussed how we sang along without really knowing what we were saying to not just this song but so many others.

That phrase came up again today but it was in a different context.  I was catching up on sermons from my home church and my pastor said, "the two need to become one."  What was he taking about?

The two people that live inside every single one of us.

Each of us have 2 personalities living inside of us.  One that responds to the spirit of the world and the other that responds to the Spirit of God.  You might not agree with me or believe in God, but the truth is that there's no other explanation.  The spirit of the world appeals to our temporal side, it craves adoration and instant gratification however, every human being has a longing for another world, an eternal world.  All the various interpretations of the 'world to come' is proof of just this.

The real fight for a lot of us is the essential merging of the 2 spirits. It can only be done when God allows it and that is when you find contentment.  In my case, God's spirit has to be stronger than the world's spirit and that's the only way I can be balanced.  It doesn't make any earthly sense but then again when God is involved, nothing ever does...

On a completely unrelated note: Sometimes you just need to sit and allow music to wash over you. there is something very powerful about music.  Here's someone I learned about recently.  He has definitely helped me get through some tough days and I have never even met him.

http://www.kylenolan.net/#/music

Growth

When you think of the word "GROWTH" what comes to mind?

For me, it's a baby becoming an adult and also I see vines holding bunches of grapes. I am sure many people would agree with the first but I am not exactly sure about the latter. I never grew up never any vineyards so I am not sure why that's one of the first images that my brain conjures up.

It's interesting though because while a baby grows vertically, grape vines spread horizontally. Growth in our lives can mean growing up in maturity or it can mean staying in one place but expanding our "horizons."  Recently, I was challenged to do the latter. I always thought of GROWTH as just moving up, learning lessons and then applying it in a bigger pond. However, sometimes you are called to stay in the smaller pond but to explore the other side of the pond.

God could have made Moses the pharaoh and then used Moses to set His people free. Instead he chose to keep Moses as a shepherd and call him to go to the other end of the desert. He asked him to expand his horizons. So as Moses did, we too must go to the other end and glean from the lessons that are awaiting us.

I am a restless being, I am always looking for a way to jump ship because I might find something elsewhere. However recently, God has not allowed new adventures, he has asked me to stay still and it has been one of the hardest things to do.  In the end, it will be worth it.

Love God and the rest will follow.

One of my pastors mentioned a proverb the other day...

"Many people will miss heaven by 18 inches" -unknown

What does this relate to? apparently, it's the distance between your head and your heart!  *shivers down my spine* Why?

Well, I grew up in church, I can speak Christianese really well.  I have sat through countless Bible studies, I have taught several of them!  I have understood the basic tenets of my faith, defended them and can argue them if need be.  However, has it penetrated my heart?

Recently, I have been questioning my actions in the quiet.  I have turned into the person who goes home and watches Netflix for hours on end.  I don't even know what I am watching half the time, the other half I am making conscious decisions to watch shows and movies just to kill the time.  I have fallen behind on keeping up with friends, working on my writing, volunteering or even my baking. All I want to do these days is stare at my computer or tablet.  I have noticed this is affecting my ability to focus at work as well.  If its not in a video format, it doesn't seem to capture my attention for more than 20 minutes.

In addtion, a song has been following me around the last few weeks: "It is well..."

Here are the lyrics:

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well with my soul.
   • Refrain:
     It is well with my soul,
     It is well, it is well with my soul.
2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
3. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
4. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
   If Jordan above me shall roll,
   No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
   Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
5. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
   The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
   Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
   Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
6. And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
   The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.

As I write this i am chuckling because I see how God is trying to tell me something.  I am writhing in pain and crying out but have I taken a moment to just stop and sit in utter silence for like 15 mins? Well, of course not.  one of these days, I will have to actually practice some of this preaching to which I am listening.

In another sermon, a pastor said "Get rid of the 'rhuparia'" whats that? Look below! My soul is in pain and its because of all the RHUPARIA in my system.  I am so glad my God loves me that even when I am not investing in him, he is intune with me and is reaching out to me. Thank the Lord!!

Love God and the rest will follow!

The NAS New Testament Greek Lexicon

Strong's Number:   4507 Original Word ruparia Transliterated Word Rhuparia Phonetic Spelling Parts of Speech hroo-par-ee'-ah    Noun Feminine  Definition to make filthy, befoul to defile, dishonour to make filthy

Renewing of a lifestyle...

I have recently been in a reflective mood. I keep comparing my life to a year ago.

I was told looking back was not necessarily healthy but I am not looking back as if things were better or I wish I was living that life again. I definitely dont wish I was on unemployment again.  However, I am looking back to see how God has grown me, how i have let Him down but He has still held me together. 

My pastor said tonight:

Patient continuance in well doing and holiness is the only sure evidence of grace.

No matter what I have to persevere, I have to hold on to God. People can be in bondage to sin and most people wont admit it. It doesnt even have to obvious.  Cravings for pleasure or excitement can lead to someone who because a prisoner to pornography.

There will come a time when misery will be the only result and it will hit us hard if we dont take steps to walk away. TAP INTO JESUS. He is the only one who can lead us away from sin.

BREAK EVERY CHAIN FATHER!

Awaken us and show us whats holding us back from connecting with you completely.

Today, I ask God for forgiveness for looking for pleasure in places other than in His plans for me.  I ask God for freedom from the chains that hold me back from experiencing His world. I pray, God, for peace in knowing that you are going to always set my paths straight and all I have to do is trust. Thank you for being patient and thank you for never forsaking me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Love God and the rest will follow.

525600

One of the songs I enjoy the most is the one from Rent, "525,600 minutes..."

September ended with a bang, it was very stressful and I kept reminding myself that last year at this time I was in a state of suspended animation almost. I knew not what lay ahead of me yet I kept moving forward with each day.

Then again, isn't that everyday any way?  I am trying very hard to not quote King Solomon at my mundane tasks,  "meaningless, meaningless everything is meaningless..."  I want to scream it but I have a hope deep inside that it isn't meaningless.  it isn't, my life thus far hasn't been, so why start now???

Last year I didnt know how long I would be unemployed, when would I get a means of an income, how would I pay my bills? However, I had a peace.  It sounds completely insane but I was in a place of utter surrender.  Today? I am back to running in the hamster wheel and in the last 10 months, I have somehow started to think I was in control? Maybe? HAH!

So I did a fast, I did 40 days of surrender, I tried everything to force myself into utter surrender yet I was still struggling to believe that everything is taken care of by the same God who has taken care of me all of these years. Why? I had to remind myself of how BIG my God really was, I needed to come back to the basics. I need to be a friend of God. I didnt hang out with Him enough and so I didnt "know" him, I had forgotten his attributes.  Just as any other friendship, I needed to hang out and chat with Jesus.  I needed to tell him my thoughts and feelings but more importantly, I needed to listen and be attentive.

So? We come back to the basics.

Love God and the rest will follow...

IT WILL!

Fear...

I got trapped in an elevator recently.  I am mildly claustrophobic but I was in there alone and there was air flowing so I wasn't immediately alarmed. 

I panicked a bit at the onset of the realization that the elevator was stalled but I had a choice to make regarding my next steps.  Panicked, I would be more erratic.  Calm, I would be able to be more logical about next steps.

I am not exaggerating when I say, it would take me a few mins to actually choose logic. InitIally, I pushed every button and wished something would jolt the elevator to restart its course. Then I felt a calm come over me as I started to think it through.

I looked around and assessed my situation.  I was alone, good I dont have to worry about creepy men or women.  I had air flowing, and it was lit.  Next, I checked the intercom in the elevator, there wasn't one... however, my phone had service! So I texted my friends and my brother. Some of it was to solicit help, others for prayer.

All the while, I kept thinking about the verse that says that God wont bring you to something that will overtake you. I wasn't forsaken.  At one point, I had to consider the reality that I would drop 10 floors and meet my Maker. Yea, I know, calm down kid!

Obviously, it goes without saying that I got out and I have been trying to be more intentional about my actions.

Love God and the rest will follow.

A better start than most

I woke up this morning to find myself swaddled in my sheets. I guess I wasn't ready for the chill overnight. Something about that swaddle was comforting and I would not have woken up if it weren't for the obligation of work.

I walked out of my door with Chris botti in my ears, and a crisp breeze in my face. Its Rosh Hashanah today and it feels like a new start indeed.  You see this summer has been busy and somewhat of a struggle in the area of "my future."

I have had several 'Come to Jesus' moments in the last 4 months about what I want and need for my future.  I have gone back and forth with trusting and believing that God really is in the business of taking care of my wants as much as He provides for my needs.  I, also, traveled a lot or worked over the weekend so I havent had many days to rest recently.

Overall, the fall marks a time in my life that I hope involves some relaxing moments with Jesus and tea.  I have some goals to accomplish in the student loan repayment area but other than that, I hope that this upcoming season is one of just connecting with Jesus.

If you are struggling today with making decisions or believing that God really cares for you, then take some time to just sit with some worship music or even sit in silence.  Ask God to speak and He surely will do so.  He is, if anything, constant and always waiting to hear and speak to His own. He loves. He cares. He is there for you.

Love God and the rest will follow.

This devo from Calvary Fort Lauderdale needed to be reposted...  www.calvaryftl.org if you want t o get daily devotionals sent to you.

“Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.”—Romans8:27 (NKJV) When my wife was a young child, she thought of herself as a character in a storybook. It was as if someone was turning the pages of a big storybook, as she lived out each day. Have you ever felt like that? Like your life was an open book for others to see? As a four-year-old, I remember looking up at the night sky in awe. Seeing all the stars made me feel so small. What about you? Do you, or have you ever had, a sense of your smallness within the universe? When we have a sense that we’re being watched by someone greater than ourself, or a sense of our smallness, it's not an accident or anomaly. Several places in the Bible tell us God makes His existence known in many ways. In Ecclesiastes, we're told God has put eternity into our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11). When we come to know God. He puts His Spirit in our hearts. And because He lives in us, He knows our heart. This is both reassuring and unnerving. As King David asked, “Where shall I go from your Spirit?” (Psalm 139:7 NKJV) Romans 8:27 is encouraging because it reminds us that God knows every bit of us, even the dark corners where we try to hide, and He intercedes on our behalf. God has plans for each of our lives, and is at work to bring these plans to fruition. Of course, it helps when we cooperate with Him, rather that resist Him. We've probably all seen a young child fight the effort of a parent insisting they hold their hand at a busy intersection. Perhaps you've been that child! This is what comes to mind when I think of the Holy Spirit's work in my life. I imagine many times I'm like that resistant child—resisting the leading of the Holy Spirit. Of course, God sees dangers I don't see, and insists on what's best for me. God's view of things is much greater than ours could ever be. He sees far beyond what we see ahead of us, physically and time-wise. He knows how we need to grow spiritually, even emotionally. He intercedes for us in ways we're unaware of, yet necessary for our growth. He searches our heart so He can see our needs and what’s needed so we can be transformed into who He's called us to be. This is why God searches our hearts, and this ought to reassure us. DIG: Have you sensed your smallness recently? How have you experienced an awe of God? DISCOVER: When was the last time you asked the Lord to search your heart? DISPLAY: Take some time today, or this week, to open your heart to God and then listen.

Copyright © 2015 Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale, All rights reserved. This email is to those who have partnered with Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale. Thanks!

When you fall...

I went to a worship concert the other night. It was the token revival type of event and I struggled.

I struggled to focus.

I struggled to sing with gusto.

I struggled to pay attention to the speakers.

Most of all I struggled to just keep my eyes closed during prayer.

I was thinking of things, people, planning how I would get home, trying to decipher if I was hungry. My mind was all over the place.  I looked around and saw people engaged and tearing up and although my physical presence was the same as theirs, I was not there in any sense of "being there."

So, I sat down.

I put my head down.

And I asked God why He brought me there...

Asking "why" is my norm. God has always been kind to answer most of my why questions. There, in all the music, drums and singing, in the midst of the "Amens," I had my moment of peace with My Lord.

I had to fall down in order to stand up and experience what was happening around me.  I wasn't expecting that fight that night. I wasn't ready BUT my God was ready. I am so thankful that I serve a God who is always ready and for His legions of Angels who are always ready.

I will never stop fighting with myself but I hope and pray that one day I may come to a point in my life where I have more days of trust and peace than uncertainity and chaos.  I know my God is faithful and he will bring me to this place, I just need to be ok with the pauses in between to learn lessons.

As it always has been for me, my phrase rings true once again...

Love God and the rest will follow!

Rejection...

How do you deal with rejection?  Everyone has their go to way of dealing with it.

Do you post about it on Facebook? Do you write about it in your journal? Call all your friends and talk it out? Mull it over again and again in solitude?

Whatever you do, every rejection changes you.  whether you care to admit it or not.  It does.

This isn't an easy post for me to write but after reading this post, i am deciding t tackle it: http://godsizeddreams.com/god-sized-rejection/

I was raised to not just exceed expectations but to set higher ones for myself.  I was always expected to go one step above, reach one foot higher (which is extremely hard to do for a short person!) than the norm.  When the expectations are that high, the rejection that comes along is harder to deal with. I have dealt with rejection all my life and a lot of times it was from my own... family, friends, and of course, God (although I know thats all in my head.)

The kind of rejection that has ruined me the most? the one where I reject myself.  No, I dont have multiple personalities, although sometimes it feels like that would almost make life easier somehow.  I have mentioned this before, you will hear me say "I am fighting with myself..." quite often.  I struggle with pleasing two versions of myself: Worldly or Spiritual.  There are times when Worldly me will do or say or watch something and the aftermath of that is not a pretty sight! Worse? when my Spiritual side does something and my Worldly side is kicking and screaming the whole way through.

I am one of the people who retreats into a corner and replays an incident on my own. If I were to talk it out or post it on FB, it would just be a hot mess! The good part?

There's always a way... out! With God, its the Hope that doesn't disappoint.

These days, my rejection is dealt with praise and worship music, prayer, the Bible and sermons from some amazing men of God.  If i stay in my corner, in my head, i will never never never enjoy a breath i take or a sunrise or even that pain in my legs when i have been running too long on the treadmill. I have to INTENTIONALLY push my thoughts to God and say "I cant even deal right now..."

and my hope? that God will be kinder than I am to myself.

Whether it be dreams like in the post i referred to earlier or rejection like it is in my case, we offer it up to the Lord and we LEAVE it with Him.

So...deep breath...Love God and the rest will follow.

Be still...

Recently I have been hearing this phrase, "Be Still.."

A friend of mine recently pointed out a devotional to me in the bookstore. "Be still and Let your nail polish dry"

At first, I chuckled at the title because I usually end up ruining at least one nail.  However, the more i thought about it, the more i realized i needed this devotional, I needed this proverb, i needed this reminder.  more than that, i needed to actually PRACTICE this.

The funny thing? I actually LITERALLY practiced it this week.  i had my nails done on tuesday and then i went to a chello/piano concert at a church in the UES.  It was absolutely peaceful.  I sat in the last row and for an hour and a half i just sat there in silence. I didnt even look at my phone once and it was an accomplishment.  I did learn that some of us need to sit still and listen.  I listened to the music but I also listened for God to say Hello.  And He did!

All these days, I have come home and filled it with noise via Songza or Pandora or Netflix.  I have been afraid of the silence.  But recently, silence is where I am beginning to find the peace I have been craving.  I find peace and begin to praise God.

I was listening to this sermon today and I couldnt help but break down: http://media.calvaryftl.org/portfolio/davids-desert-song/

Pastor speaks about this Psalm and how David doesnt complain even once and this was written after everything was taken from him.

Psalm 63 NIV

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

1 You, God, are my God,
    earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
    my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
    where there is no water.

2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
    and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
    my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
    and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
    with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

6 On my bed I remember you;
    I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
    I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 I cling to you;
    your right hand upholds me.

9 Those who want to kill me will be destroyed;
    they will go down to the depths of the earth.
10 They will be given over to the sword
    and become food for jackals.

11 But the king will rejoice in God;
    all who swear by God will glory in him,
    while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

So, my journey continues.  I am surrounded by messages from my God.  I shall Be Still and spend time with Him and Praise Him as I wait for God's timing.

Speaking of praising, my friend wrote this blog this week and it just fit perfectly so i know it was yet again, God telling me that he was there for me.

http://isparkleforjesus.webs.com/apps/blog/show/43332192-tuesday-top-five-give-god-praise-

As usual, of course...

Love God and the rest will follow

"Get comfortable with being uncomfortable"

A friend of mine sent me this link this morning: http://chrystalevanshurst.com/051-squeeze-into-those-skinny-jeans/

And there was the phrase in there thats been haunting me for years...

"Because we all need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable."

This is something that I tend to gloss over, I refuse to face the reality that the uncomfortable exists.

the uncomfortable is 'unCONFRONTable' to me. Yes, i made that word up, i think.  I don't want to confront the issues that make me uncomfortable.  While i don't think i am alone in this struggle, it is a hard pill to swallow for me.

Recently i pushed someone to speak their mind about their feelings.  I knew it would be hard for them, for me? it was harder still. mainly because i wanted them to confront the feelings they had towards me.  i knew it would not be pleasant to hear but i needed to know.  After all was said and done, we are now working on rebuilding a relationship.

I am so glad they were flexible to finally speak however, i am the first one to admit, i did not confront my feelings during that "conversation." yes, i know. that was very hypocritical of me but to tell the truth, i was so drained from just being a part of the conversation that i didnt want to continue the 'experience'

and then i read this today.  i realize that what i did to this person is what i need to do to myself.  i need to be ok with not being ok in front of others and most importantly in front of God.

God doesnt need me to tell him anything but He wants to know and thats only driven by his love for me.  So i am sitting here and thinking how i dont reciprocate the love when i hold back.  That makes me think of my phrase and then it makes me think of how God doesnt stop pursuing me even when i sut the door.

Father, i am humbled that you love me when i am unlovable and that you comfort me when i am unconfrontable.  Thank you.

Love God and the rest will follow...

Vision and Darkness

Whenever God gives a vision to a Christian, it is as if He puts him in “the shadow of His hand” (Isaiah 49:2). The saint’s duty is to be still and listen. There is a “darkness” that comes from too much light—that is the time to listen. The story of Abram and Hagar in Genesis 16 is an excellent example of listening to so-called good advice during a time of darkness, rather than waiting for God to send the light. When God gives you a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will bring the vision He has given you to reality in your life if you will wait on His timing. Never try to help God fulfill His word. Abram went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed. He grew past the point of relying on his own common sense. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not a period of God’s displeasure. There is never any need to pretend that your life is filled with joy and confidence; just wait upon God and be grounded in Him (see Isaiah 50:10–11).

Do I trust at all in the flesh? Or have I learned to go beyond all confidence in myself and other people of God? Do I trust in books and prayers or other joys in my life? Or have I placed my confidence in God Himself, not in His blessings? “I am Almighty God . . .” —El-Shaddai, the AllPowerful God (Genesis 17:1). The reason we are all being disciplined is that we will know God is real. As soon as God becomes real to us, people pale by comparison, becoming shadows of reality. Nothing that other saints do or say can ever upset the one who is built on God.

- My Utmost for His Highest devotional from the YouVersion Bible app