Renewing of a lifestyle...

I have recently been in a reflective mood. I keep comparing my life to a year ago.

I was told looking back was not necessarily healthy but I am not looking back as if things were better or I wish I was living that life again. I definitely dont wish I was on unemployment again.  However, I am looking back to see how God has grown me, how i have let Him down but He has still held me together. 

My pastor said tonight:

Patient continuance in well doing and holiness is the only sure evidence of grace.

No matter what I have to persevere, I have to hold on to God. People can be in bondage to sin and most people wont admit it. It doesnt even have to obvious.  Cravings for pleasure or excitement can lead to someone who because a prisoner to pornography.

There will come a time when misery will be the only result and it will hit us hard if we dont take steps to walk away. TAP INTO JESUS. He is the only one who can lead us away from sin.

BREAK EVERY CHAIN FATHER!

Awaken us and show us whats holding us back from connecting with you completely.

Today, I ask God for forgiveness for looking for pleasure in places other than in His plans for me.  I ask God for freedom from the chains that hold me back from experiencing His world. I pray, God, for peace in knowing that you are going to always set my paths straight and all I have to do is trust. Thank you for being patient and thank you for never forsaking me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Love God and the rest will follow.

525600

One of the songs I enjoy the most is the one from Rent, "525,600 minutes..."

September ended with a bang, it was very stressful and I kept reminding myself that last year at this time I was in a state of suspended animation almost. I knew not what lay ahead of me yet I kept moving forward with each day.

Then again, isn't that everyday any way?  I am trying very hard to not quote King Solomon at my mundane tasks,  "meaningless, meaningless everything is meaningless..."  I want to scream it but I have a hope deep inside that it isn't meaningless.  it isn't, my life thus far hasn't been, so why start now???

Last year I didnt know how long I would be unemployed, when would I get a means of an income, how would I pay my bills? However, I had a peace.  It sounds completely insane but I was in a place of utter surrender.  Today? I am back to running in the hamster wheel and in the last 10 months, I have somehow started to think I was in control? Maybe? HAH!

So I did a fast, I did 40 days of surrender, I tried everything to force myself into utter surrender yet I was still struggling to believe that everything is taken care of by the same God who has taken care of me all of these years. Why? I had to remind myself of how BIG my God really was, I needed to come back to the basics. I need to be a friend of God. I didnt hang out with Him enough and so I didnt "know" him, I had forgotten his attributes.  Just as any other friendship, I needed to hang out and chat with Jesus.  I needed to tell him my thoughts and feelings but more importantly, I needed to listen and be attentive.

So? We come back to the basics.

Love God and the rest will follow...

IT WILL!

Fear...

I got trapped in an elevator recently.  I am mildly claustrophobic but I was in there alone and there was air flowing so I wasn't immediately alarmed. 

I panicked a bit at the onset of the realization that the elevator was stalled but I had a choice to make regarding my next steps.  Panicked, I would be more erratic.  Calm, I would be able to be more logical about next steps.

I am not exaggerating when I say, it would take me a few mins to actually choose logic. InitIally, I pushed every button and wished something would jolt the elevator to restart its course. Then I felt a calm come over me as I started to think it through.

I looked around and assessed my situation.  I was alone, good I dont have to worry about creepy men or women.  I had air flowing, and it was lit.  Next, I checked the intercom in the elevator, there wasn't one... however, my phone had service! So I texted my friends and my brother. Some of it was to solicit help, others for prayer.

All the while, I kept thinking about the verse that says that God wont bring you to something that will overtake you. I wasn't forsaken.  At one point, I had to consider the reality that I would drop 10 floors and meet my Maker. Yea, I know, calm down kid!

Obviously, it goes without saying that I got out and I have been trying to be more intentional about my actions.

Love God and the rest will follow.

A better start than most

I woke up this morning to find myself swaddled in my sheets. I guess I wasn't ready for the chill overnight. Something about that swaddle was comforting and I would not have woken up if it weren't for the obligation of work.

I walked out of my door with Chris botti in my ears, and a crisp breeze in my face. Its Rosh Hashanah today and it feels like a new start indeed.  You see this summer has been busy and somewhat of a struggle in the area of "my future."

I have had several 'Come to Jesus' moments in the last 4 months about what I want and need for my future.  I have gone back and forth with trusting and believing that God really is in the business of taking care of my wants as much as He provides for my needs.  I, also, traveled a lot or worked over the weekend so I havent had many days to rest recently.

Overall, the fall marks a time in my life that I hope involves some relaxing moments with Jesus and tea.  I have some goals to accomplish in the student loan repayment area but other than that, I hope that this upcoming season is one of just connecting with Jesus.

If you are struggling today with making decisions or believing that God really cares for you, then take some time to just sit with some worship music or even sit in silence.  Ask God to speak and He surely will do so.  He is, if anything, constant and always waiting to hear and speak to His own. He loves. He cares. He is there for you.

Love God and the rest will follow.

This devo from Calvary Fort Lauderdale needed to be reposted...  www.calvaryftl.org if you want t o get daily devotionals sent to you.

“Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.”—Romans8:27 (NKJV) When my wife was a young child, she thought of herself as a character in a storybook. It was as if someone was turning the pages of a big storybook, as she lived out each day. Have you ever felt like that? Like your life was an open book for others to see? As a four-year-old, I remember looking up at the night sky in awe. Seeing all the stars made me feel so small. What about you? Do you, or have you ever had, a sense of your smallness within the universe? When we have a sense that we’re being watched by someone greater than ourself, or a sense of our smallness, it's not an accident or anomaly. Several places in the Bible tell us God makes His existence known in many ways. In Ecclesiastes, we're told God has put eternity into our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11). When we come to know God. He puts His Spirit in our hearts. And because He lives in us, He knows our heart. This is both reassuring and unnerving. As King David asked, “Where shall I go from your Spirit?” (Psalm 139:7 NKJV) Romans 8:27 is encouraging because it reminds us that God knows every bit of us, even the dark corners where we try to hide, and He intercedes on our behalf. God has plans for each of our lives, and is at work to bring these plans to fruition. Of course, it helps when we cooperate with Him, rather that resist Him. We've probably all seen a young child fight the effort of a parent insisting they hold their hand at a busy intersection. Perhaps you've been that child! This is what comes to mind when I think of the Holy Spirit's work in my life. I imagine many times I'm like that resistant child—resisting the leading of the Holy Spirit. Of course, God sees dangers I don't see, and insists on what's best for me. God's view of things is much greater than ours could ever be. He sees far beyond what we see ahead of us, physically and time-wise. He knows how we need to grow spiritually, even emotionally. He intercedes for us in ways we're unaware of, yet necessary for our growth. He searches our heart so He can see our needs and what’s needed so we can be transformed into who He's called us to be. This is why God searches our hearts, and this ought to reassure us. DIG: Have you sensed your smallness recently? How have you experienced an awe of God? DISCOVER: When was the last time you asked the Lord to search your heart? DISPLAY: Take some time today, or this week, to open your heart to God and then listen.

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When you fall...

I went to a worship concert the other night. It was the token revival type of event and I struggled.

I struggled to focus.

I struggled to sing with gusto.

I struggled to pay attention to the speakers.

Most of all I struggled to just keep my eyes closed during prayer.

I was thinking of things, people, planning how I would get home, trying to decipher if I was hungry. My mind was all over the place.  I looked around and saw people engaged and tearing up and although my physical presence was the same as theirs, I was not there in any sense of "being there."

So, I sat down.

I put my head down.

And I asked God why He brought me there...

Asking "why" is my norm. God has always been kind to answer most of my why questions. There, in all the music, drums and singing, in the midst of the "Amens," I had my moment of peace with My Lord.

I had to fall down in order to stand up and experience what was happening around me.  I wasn't expecting that fight that night. I wasn't ready BUT my God was ready. I am so thankful that I serve a God who is always ready and for His legions of Angels who are always ready.

I will never stop fighting with myself but I hope and pray that one day I may come to a point in my life where I have more days of trust and peace than uncertainity and chaos.  I know my God is faithful and he will bring me to this place, I just need to be ok with the pauses in between to learn lessons.

As it always has been for me, my phrase rings true once again...

Love God and the rest will follow!

Rejection...

How do you deal with rejection?  Everyone has their go to way of dealing with it.

Do you post about it on Facebook? Do you write about it in your journal? Call all your friends and talk it out? Mull it over again and again in solitude?

Whatever you do, every rejection changes you.  whether you care to admit it or not.  It does.

This isn't an easy post for me to write but after reading this post, i am deciding t tackle it: http://godsizeddreams.com/god-sized-rejection/

I was raised to not just exceed expectations but to set higher ones for myself.  I was always expected to go one step above, reach one foot higher (which is extremely hard to do for a short person!) than the norm.  When the expectations are that high, the rejection that comes along is harder to deal with. I have dealt with rejection all my life and a lot of times it was from my own... family, friends, and of course, God (although I know thats all in my head.)

The kind of rejection that has ruined me the most? the one where I reject myself.  No, I dont have multiple personalities, although sometimes it feels like that would almost make life easier somehow.  I have mentioned this before, you will hear me say "I am fighting with myself..." quite often.  I struggle with pleasing two versions of myself: Worldly or Spiritual.  There are times when Worldly me will do or say or watch something and the aftermath of that is not a pretty sight! Worse? when my Spiritual side does something and my Worldly side is kicking and screaming the whole way through.

I am one of the people who retreats into a corner and replays an incident on my own. If I were to talk it out or post it on FB, it would just be a hot mess! The good part?

There's always a way... out! With God, its the Hope that doesn't disappoint.

These days, my rejection is dealt with praise and worship music, prayer, the Bible and sermons from some amazing men of God.  If i stay in my corner, in my head, i will never never never enjoy a breath i take or a sunrise or even that pain in my legs when i have been running too long on the treadmill. I have to INTENTIONALLY push my thoughts to God and say "I cant even deal right now..."

and my hope? that God will be kinder than I am to myself.

Whether it be dreams like in the post i referred to earlier or rejection like it is in my case, we offer it up to the Lord and we LEAVE it with Him.

So...deep breath...Love God and the rest will follow.

Be still...

Recently I have been hearing this phrase, "Be Still.."

A friend of mine recently pointed out a devotional to me in the bookstore. "Be still and Let your nail polish dry"

At first, I chuckled at the title because I usually end up ruining at least one nail.  However, the more i thought about it, the more i realized i needed this devotional, I needed this proverb, i needed this reminder.  more than that, i needed to actually PRACTICE this.

The funny thing? I actually LITERALLY practiced it this week.  i had my nails done on tuesday and then i went to a chello/piano concert at a church in the UES.  It was absolutely peaceful.  I sat in the last row and for an hour and a half i just sat there in silence. I didnt even look at my phone once and it was an accomplishment.  I did learn that some of us need to sit still and listen.  I listened to the music but I also listened for God to say Hello.  And He did!

All these days, I have come home and filled it with noise via Songza or Pandora or Netflix.  I have been afraid of the silence.  But recently, silence is where I am beginning to find the peace I have been craving.  I find peace and begin to praise God.

I was listening to this sermon today and I couldnt help but break down: http://media.calvaryftl.org/portfolio/davids-desert-song/

Pastor speaks about this Psalm and how David doesnt complain even once and this was written after everything was taken from him.

Psalm 63 NIV

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

1 You, God, are my God,
    earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
    my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
    where there is no water.

2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
    and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
    my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
    and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
    with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

6 On my bed I remember you;
    I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
    I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 I cling to you;
    your right hand upholds me.

9 Those who want to kill me will be destroyed;
    they will go down to the depths of the earth.
10 They will be given over to the sword
    and become food for jackals.

11 But the king will rejoice in God;
    all who swear by God will glory in him,
    while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

So, my journey continues.  I am surrounded by messages from my God.  I shall Be Still and spend time with Him and Praise Him as I wait for God's timing.

Speaking of praising, my friend wrote this blog this week and it just fit perfectly so i know it was yet again, God telling me that he was there for me.

http://isparkleforjesus.webs.com/apps/blog/show/43332192-tuesday-top-five-give-god-praise-

As usual, of course...

Love God and the rest will follow

"Get comfortable with being uncomfortable"

A friend of mine sent me this link this morning: http://chrystalevanshurst.com/051-squeeze-into-those-skinny-jeans/

And there was the phrase in there thats been haunting me for years...

"Because we all need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable."

This is something that I tend to gloss over, I refuse to face the reality that the uncomfortable exists.

the uncomfortable is 'unCONFRONTable' to me. Yes, i made that word up, i think.  I don't want to confront the issues that make me uncomfortable.  While i don't think i am alone in this struggle, it is a hard pill to swallow for me.

Recently i pushed someone to speak their mind about their feelings.  I knew it would be hard for them, for me? it was harder still. mainly because i wanted them to confront the feelings they had towards me.  i knew it would not be pleasant to hear but i needed to know.  After all was said and done, we are now working on rebuilding a relationship.

I am so glad they were flexible to finally speak however, i am the first one to admit, i did not confront my feelings during that "conversation." yes, i know. that was very hypocritical of me but to tell the truth, i was so drained from just being a part of the conversation that i didnt want to continue the 'experience'

and then i read this today.  i realize that what i did to this person is what i need to do to myself.  i need to be ok with not being ok in front of others and most importantly in front of God.

God doesnt need me to tell him anything but He wants to know and thats only driven by his love for me.  So i am sitting here and thinking how i dont reciprocate the love when i hold back.  That makes me think of my phrase and then it makes me think of how God doesnt stop pursuing me even when i sut the door.

Father, i am humbled that you love me when i am unlovable and that you comfort me when i am unconfrontable.  Thank you.

Love God and the rest will follow...

Vision and Darkness

Whenever God gives a vision to a Christian, it is as if He puts him in “the shadow of His hand” (Isaiah 49:2). The saint’s duty is to be still and listen. There is a “darkness” that comes from too much light—that is the time to listen. The story of Abram and Hagar in Genesis 16 is an excellent example of listening to so-called good advice during a time of darkness, rather than waiting for God to send the light. When God gives you a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will bring the vision He has given you to reality in your life if you will wait on His timing. Never try to help God fulfill His word. Abram went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed. He grew past the point of relying on his own common sense. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not a period of God’s displeasure. There is never any need to pretend that your life is filled with joy and confidence; just wait upon God and be grounded in Him (see Isaiah 50:10–11).

Do I trust at all in the flesh? Or have I learned to go beyond all confidence in myself and other people of God? Do I trust in books and prayers or other joys in my life? Or have I placed my confidence in God Himself, not in His blessings? “I am Almighty God . . .” —El-Shaddai, the AllPowerful God (Genesis 17:1). The reason we are all being disciplined is that we will know God is real. As soon as God becomes real to us, people pale by comparison, becoming shadows of reality. Nothing that other saints do or say can ever upset the one who is built on God.

- My Utmost for His Highest devotional from the YouVersion Bible app

Light and dark

This concept is following me around for the last few days.

I have had some thoughts that I have started putting onto paper, then I hear a sermon, then I read a devotional. All in the span of 48hrs and its all about the same concept.

Intrigue

Anyone else think God's got a word for me?

Ha! I love my God. He walks with me in the light and the dark.  There was a line I read that brought tears to my eyes, "I would rather walk with God in darkness than alone in the light."

Do I really believe that? Am I ok with experiencing that? Honestly? No. My initial answer is no, why cant I have God in the light?

Yes, it sounds like utopia but really its more that I am ashamed to have God with me in my dark times. I say and do things in my dark times that I really dont want God to see or know about.

People always say when times are bad, people run to God and when times are good, they forget Him. NOT ME!

I am the total opposite.  I know that no good thing comes to me except through God Almighty. However, when bad things happen, I stray far. I feel rejected and forgotten and so I keep walking away.

Then the last 48hrs happened. Rejected once again by the world, accepted once again by The Holy Spirit. In my sin, He sent me a Word through a pastor on the other side of the country.

So, I come back to my life motto.

LOVE GOD AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW.