When you fall...

I went to a worship concert the other night. It was the token revival type of event and I struggled.

I struggled to focus.

I struggled to sing with gusto.

I struggled to pay attention to the speakers.

Most of all I struggled to just keep my eyes closed during prayer.

I was thinking of things, people, planning how I would get home, trying to decipher if I was hungry. My mind was all over the place.  I looked around and saw people engaged and tearing up and although my physical presence was the same as theirs, I was not there in any sense of "being there."

So, I sat down.

I put my head down.

And I asked God why He brought me there...

Asking "why" is my norm. God has always been kind to answer most of my why questions. There, in all the music, drums and singing, in the midst of the "Amens," I had my moment of peace with My Lord.

I had to fall down in order to stand up and experience what was happening around me.  I wasn't expecting that fight that night. I wasn't ready BUT my God was ready. I am so thankful that I serve a God who is always ready and for His legions of Angels who are always ready.

I will never stop fighting with myself but I hope and pray that one day I may come to a point in my life where I have more days of trust and peace than uncertainity and chaos.  I know my God is faithful and he will bring me to this place, I just need to be ok with the pauses in between to learn lessons.

As it always has been for me, my phrase rings true once again...

Love God and the rest will follow!

Rejection...

How do you deal with rejection?  Everyone has their go to way of dealing with it.

Do you post about it on Facebook? Do you write about it in your journal? Call all your friends and talk it out? Mull it over again and again in solitude?

Whatever you do, every rejection changes you.  whether you care to admit it or not.  It does.

This isn't an easy post for me to write but after reading this post, i am deciding t tackle it: http://godsizeddreams.com/god-sized-rejection/

I was raised to not just exceed expectations but to set higher ones for myself.  I was always expected to go one step above, reach one foot higher (which is extremely hard to do for a short person!) than the norm.  When the expectations are that high, the rejection that comes along is harder to deal with. I have dealt with rejection all my life and a lot of times it was from my own... family, friends, and of course, God (although I know thats all in my head.)

The kind of rejection that has ruined me the most? the one where I reject myself.  No, I dont have multiple personalities, although sometimes it feels like that would almost make life easier somehow.  I have mentioned this before, you will hear me say "I am fighting with myself..." quite often.  I struggle with pleasing two versions of myself: Worldly or Spiritual.  There are times when Worldly me will do or say or watch something and the aftermath of that is not a pretty sight! Worse? when my Spiritual side does something and my Worldly side is kicking and screaming the whole way through.

I am one of the people who retreats into a corner and replays an incident on my own. If I were to talk it out or post it on FB, it would just be a hot mess! The good part?

There's always a way... out! With God, its the Hope that doesn't disappoint.

These days, my rejection is dealt with praise and worship music, prayer, the Bible and sermons from some amazing men of God.  If i stay in my corner, in my head, i will never never never enjoy a breath i take or a sunrise or even that pain in my legs when i have been running too long on the treadmill. I have to INTENTIONALLY push my thoughts to God and say "I cant even deal right now..."

and my hope? that God will be kinder than I am to myself.

Whether it be dreams like in the post i referred to earlier or rejection like it is in my case, we offer it up to the Lord and we LEAVE it with Him.

So...deep breath...Love God and the rest will follow.

Be still...

Recently I have been hearing this phrase, "Be Still.."

A friend of mine recently pointed out a devotional to me in the bookstore. "Be still and Let your nail polish dry"

At first, I chuckled at the title because I usually end up ruining at least one nail.  However, the more i thought about it, the more i realized i needed this devotional, I needed this proverb, i needed this reminder.  more than that, i needed to actually PRACTICE this.

The funny thing? I actually LITERALLY practiced it this week.  i had my nails done on tuesday and then i went to a chello/piano concert at a church in the UES.  It was absolutely peaceful.  I sat in the last row and for an hour and a half i just sat there in silence. I didnt even look at my phone once and it was an accomplishment.  I did learn that some of us need to sit still and listen.  I listened to the music but I also listened for God to say Hello.  And He did!

All these days, I have come home and filled it with noise via Songza or Pandora or Netflix.  I have been afraid of the silence.  But recently, silence is where I am beginning to find the peace I have been craving.  I find peace and begin to praise God.

I was listening to this sermon today and I couldnt help but break down: http://media.calvaryftl.org/portfolio/davids-desert-song/

Pastor speaks about this Psalm and how David doesnt complain even once and this was written after everything was taken from him.

Psalm 63 NIV

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

1 You, God, are my God,
    earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
    my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
    where there is no water.

2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
    and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
    my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
    and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
    with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

6 On my bed I remember you;
    I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
    I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 I cling to you;
    your right hand upholds me.

9 Those who want to kill me will be destroyed;
    they will go down to the depths of the earth.
10 They will be given over to the sword
    and become food for jackals.

11 But the king will rejoice in God;
    all who swear by God will glory in him,
    while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

So, my journey continues.  I am surrounded by messages from my God.  I shall Be Still and spend time with Him and Praise Him as I wait for God's timing.

Speaking of praising, my friend wrote this blog this week and it just fit perfectly so i know it was yet again, God telling me that he was there for me.

http://isparkleforjesus.webs.com/apps/blog/show/43332192-tuesday-top-five-give-god-praise-

As usual, of course...

Love God and the rest will follow

"Get comfortable with being uncomfortable"

A friend of mine sent me this link this morning: http://chrystalevanshurst.com/051-squeeze-into-those-skinny-jeans/

And there was the phrase in there thats been haunting me for years...

"Because we all need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable."

This is something that I tend to gloss over, I refuse to face the reality that the uncomfortable exists.

the uncomfortable is 'unCONFRONTable' to me. Yes, i made that word up, i think.  I don't want to confront the issues that make me uncomfortable.  While i don't think i am alone in this struggle, it is a hard pill to swallow for me.

Recently i pushed someone to speak their mind about their feelings.  I knew it would be hard for them, for me? it was harder still. mainly because i wanted them to confront the feelings they had towards me.  i knew it would not be pleasant to hear but i needed to know.  After all was said and done, we are now working on rebuilding a relationship.

I am so glad they were flexible to finally speak however, i am the first one to admit, i did not confront my feelings during that "conversation." yes, i know. that was very hypocritical of me but to tell the truth, i was so drained from just being a part of the conversation that i didnt want to continue the 'experience'

and then i read this today.  i realize that what i did to this person is what i need to do to myself.  i need to be ok with not being ok in front of others and most importantly in front of God.

God doesnt need me to tell him anything but He wants to know and thats only driven by his love for me.  So i am sitting here and thinking how i dont reciprocate the love when i hold back.  That makes me think of my phrase and then it makes me think of how God doesnt stop pursuing me even when i sut the door.

Father, i am humbled that you love me when i am unlovable and that you comfort me when i am unconfrontable.  Thank you.

Love God and the rest will follow...